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While I was driving down the road the other day (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed over a bridge only to see a cop on the other side 

with a radar gun laying in wait. The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know about, asked "what's 

your hurry?" 


To which I replied, "I'm late for work," 


To which he asked, "what do you do?" 


"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded. 


The cop was surprised and confused. 

"A what? A rectum stretcher?? 

And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" 


"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side to side 

until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet." 


Then the cop asked questioningly and cautiously, 

"And just what do you do with a six-foot asshole?" 

To which I politely replied, 

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge ..." 

Traffic ticket: $95.00 

Court costs: $45.00

Look on cop's face ... Priceless

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

There was a guy walking down the street in San Fransisco, and he tripped over an old looking oil lamp. He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thought it was priceless. While he was running to the antique shop to cash this puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt. *POOF* A genie popped out of his pocket! 
The very angry looking Genie said, "Alright, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, and 'cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special, I will only give you one wish!" 
 The surprised man said, " OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge condo on the beach with three million dollars in the master bedroom, but I am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii." 


The genie replied with a smirk, " Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will take, with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean, all the cement it would take for the highway? No I'm sorry, it just can't happen." 

 The man said with a smile, "Fine then, I want to understand women." 

 The genie said, " Would you like two lanes or four?"

Same story in swedish:

Det var en man som gick nerför en gata I San Fransisco, plötsligt snubblade han över en gammaldags oljelampa. Han tog upp den och gömde den under sin jacka då han trodde den var värdefull.


Medan han sprang mot antikhandeln för att sälja denna klenod, gneds den mot hans skjorta. *Poff* En ande dök upp ur hans ficka!


Den mycket förgrymmade anden sa, OK, Jag har fått nog av de här med tre önskningar köret, och eftersom du drog iväg med mej från seansen jag skulle till, får du bara en önskning!

Den något förvånade mannen sa, OK, Jag vill flytta till Hawaii och bo I ett lyxhus vid stranden och ett stort sovrum innehållande tre miljoner dollar, men eftersom jag är rädd för att åka båt och för att flyga så vill jag att du bygger en bro härifrån till Hawaii.

Anden svarade med ett konstigt leende, Är du tokig? Vet du hur lång tid det skulle ta, med pelare som skulle gå ner till havsbotten, all cement som skulle krävas för att bygga vägen? Nej jag är ledsen men det går inte.

Mannen sa då med ett leende, OK, Då vill jag kunna förstå mej på kvinnor I stället


Anden sa då, Vill du ha en tvåfilig eller fyrfilig väg?