Who's your daddy
There was a little boy who had a very gifted mind. When he was about 12 his dad passed away. Like many children he wondered from time to time whether his dad went to heaven or elsewhere. The question continued to surface throughout the years. Eventually this gifted youngster graduated at the head of his class at MIT with dual BS, MS and PhD degrees in electrical engineering and computer science. Subsequently, he went to work for a firm that had the most powerful, complex, sophisticated computer that one could possibly imagine. Even with his superior intelligence, he was amazed at what the computer would do. It never failed any task assigned to it. One day during lunch hour the question regarding his father surfaced once again. He thought: "Oh, what the heck!" , sat down at the console and typed in the following question: "Where is my father?" After a few seconds of computing, the computer produced a printed report which read: "Your father is fishing in the Bahamas." The young man was shocked. "This thing has never failed me before!" he thought. He decided to give it another try and got the same response. He was totally frustrated. Then he thought: "Wait a minute! Computers work on logic and I'm not asking a logical question." He thought for a few minutes and typed in the following question: "Where is my mother's husband." After several seconds of computing the printer produced the following response: "Your mother's husband died in 1977 and went to heaven. And your father's still fishing in the Bahamas!".
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity
from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained
through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.).
We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job,
please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of
the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing
that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL
EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T.).
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to
EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took
S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T.
anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training
others. We will add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE
LIST (B.U.L.L S.H.I.T.).
Those who are full of B.U.L.L S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs,
and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING
If you have further questions, please direct them to our
HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T)
BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
Too Little, Too Late
A guy is at the Pearly Gates, hoping to be admitted, and St. Peter says to the guy, "I can't see that you did anything really good in your life, but you never did anything bad either. I tell you what, if you can tell me one really good deed that you did, you're in."
So the guy says, "Once I was driving down the road and saw a gang of bikers assaulting this poor girl. So I pulled over, got out my car, grabbed a tire iron and walked straight up to the gang's leader--a huge ugly guy with a studded leather jacket, bald head but with hair all over his body, and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
Undaunted, I ripped the chain out of his nose and ear and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and, wielding my tire iron, yelled to the rest of them, 'You leave this poor, innocent lady alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
Impressed, St. Peter says, "Really? I can't seem to find this in your file. When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."
What Hit Me?
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."
The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN. This time he says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returns. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says,
"When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears."
The following stories are for adults only
THE ITALIAN WHO WENT TO MALTA
(must be read with an Italian accent)
One day Ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to
eat breakfast. I tell the waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She bring me
only one piss. I tell her i want two piss. She say go to the toilet.
I say you no understand. I wanna piss onna my plate.
She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch.
I don't even know the lady and she call me a sonna ma bitch.
Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a
spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock.
She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand.
I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table,
you sonna ma bitch.
So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed.
Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to the
toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you
better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch.
I go to the checkout and man at the desk say "Peace on you".
I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch. I gonna back to Italy.
Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.
"I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch BIC lighter.
"WOW!" said his friend, "Where did you get that monster?"
"I got it from my genie" said the other.
"You have a genie," he asked?
"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."
He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.
The friend says,
"I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes, I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bags and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.
The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"
"He's hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch BIC?"
Two young nuns having just been ordained were
on a holiday in New York City and were standing
in front of the gorilla cage at the Bronx Zoo.
The gorilla took one look at this beautiful
young nun, bent the bars, lept to the ground
and ravished her. Then he went back into his
cage, straightened the bars and resumed thumping
on his massive chest.
The young nun got up off the ground, straightened
and dusted her clothes, turned to her companion
and said, "We shall never talk about this, agreed?"
The other young nun consented.
Twenty five years later the two nuns, who had
stayed close friends, were out having coffee,
when all of the sudden, the second nun asked her
friend, "I know I agreed never to talk about the
event at the zoo but I have one question."
The other nun stared and said,"O.K., one question!"
The first nun stammered, then asked, "Did it hurt?"
"Did it hurt? Oh yes it hurt! He never called...,
he never phoned..., he never sent flowers...!"
Joke of the Day:
A redneck walks into a lawyers office and tells him
he wants one of them dayvorces.
"Well, sir, do you have grounds?" asked the lawyer.
"Yep. I have me about 150 acres."
"No, I mean do you have a case?" asked the lawyer.
"Nope, but I have me a real nice John Deere."
"Well, does she beat you up?" asked the lawyer.
"Nah, we both get up at 5:30."
"Well, is she a nagger?" asked the lawyer.
"Nope, she's a little white gal, but our last child
was a nagger. That's why I want a dayvorce!"
Joke of the Day:
A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder.
He sits down and orders a beer. As he's drinking his
beer, his monkey starts running around. The monkey
first picks up an olive from an empty glass and eats
it. Then grabs a wedge of lime and eats that too. The
bartender is amazed! The monkey then runs to a pool
table where he proceeds to grab the cue ball and swallow it whole!
The bartender shreiks, "hey mister your fucking
monkey ate my cue ball!". The guy replies "yeah, he's
a crazy bastard! I'll pay for everything." The man pays
for everything, apologizes and exits.
Two weeks later the man returns with the monkey again.
He sits down and orders a beer. As he's drinking, the
monkey jumps on top of the bar, grabs a cocktail cherry,
jams it up his ass, and then eats it! The bartender is
astonished. He shreiks, "Mister your monkey just shoved
a cherry up his ass and ate it!" The man replies, " Yeah
I know, after the cue ball, he's learned to measure
There was a young man from Ghent.
Whose tool was so long that it bent.
To save himself trouble,
he put it in double
and instead of coming - he went.
There was a young fellow named Cass.
Whose ballocks were made out of brass.
When they tinkled together,
they played stormy weather.
And lightning shot out of his ass.
Here is a link to funny stories
The New Serenity Prayer
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
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This years Christmas calendar. Warning for adults only
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